Pasties and Princes
by gangsterdorothy
Summary: Drunk, naked, stuck outside a hotel room. Never a good thing. An FML One Shot Contest Entry.


**FML Contest**

**Title: Pasties and Princes**

**Pen name: gangsterdorothy**

**Characters: Edward/Bella**

**Disclaimer: I don't own this thing.**

**To see the rest of the entries in this contest, please visit the FML C2: **http://www (dot)fanfiction (dot)net/community/FML_Contest_Fics/77195/

**Prompt: ****Today, I locked myself, drunk and naked, out of my hotel room. FML**

**Summary: Drunk, naked, stuck outside a hotel room. Never a good thing. An FML One Shot Contest Entry.**

* * *

**BPOV**

Shit, I'm naked. Fuck, I'm drunk. Ultra fuck shit, I'm locked out of my hotel room.

I need to get to the front desk. This is like a game of Frogger, except I need to dodge embarrassment and not speeding cars.

Shit, what if a speeding car comes and runs me over while I'm naked? What if I die naked on the ground with a car over my dead body? I haven't shaved yet, God, please don't let a tyrannical driver run me over yet before I shave my legs.

Fuck my life.

Okay, Bella, time to set a plan. First, find something to cover yourself with. Second…well, that's your biggest problem of the three.

Plus, I'm not exactly inside the building.

Just a few moments ago, I was inside a hotel room and making out with someone. My head is spinning so much right now, I'm not even sure I know his name; something with a D. Anyway, he was at this conference that I'm attending. Back in his hotel room, we undressed and did some things that I have never even attempted in my life.

And then I hopped in his shower. Stepping out, I grabbed a towel and opened the door to this guy's room. He was nowhere in sight. I got a little nosy about this guy and looked at his shit on the desk.

D is some sort of engineer who was trying to sell something for his company, a mechanical whatever. I know he explained it to me at a time between our drink-a-thon and the removing of my dress.

The door opened and right there. Right there is where my problem started. Turns out the guy I was busy having sex with is here with his mother…who doesn't like the idea of her son having sex with random strangers.

"You heathen! How dare you spread your legs and corrupt my little boy!" She shouted over and over how I'm a Devil child and selling me some sort of religious thingamajig. I was pretty positive this guy has been corrupted long ago; he was doing some kinky shit with me.

And what was I doing through all of this? Laughing. She was yelling at me and I'm hysterically laughing.

This guy was telling me to stop or his mother will find a way to make me shut up forever. And again…I'm laughing. This woman's vein in the middle of her forehead kept popping up and I recall making some sort of noise when it does.

Then, she pulled out pepper spray from her bag. That's when I wake up and realize that 'fuck, I need to get out of here.' Like, serious business is about to go down.

She was blocking the doorway and the connecting door to the next room is locked. There was only one way out.

The window.

I tripped my way to it as this beehive hairdo lady is coming toward me. I stumbled onto the desk in front of the window; my foot is caught in the handle of D's briefcase.

I pushed it open, my towel falls off my body but my foot brings the half-open briefcase with me. Papers fell all over me as I land in the bushes and dirt outside. It hurt a little bit and my side is caked in dirt. Plus, I think I landed in a pile of trash. It's the Earth people, have some respect!

The woman pulls the window shut, leaving me with a briefcase full of reports on how a certain fucking object will make office equipment function better.

I sit in the dirt for a minute, looking out for someone that can help me. I am facing a huge parking lot that is almost full; there has to be someone here to help me.

I watch a guy, who looks to be around my age, carrying a garment bag walk by. He's cute, too cute. Meeting a cute guy while naked will only be affective for one thing and that's not wanting him to help you get dressed. This may not necessarily be a bad idea. Ah, fuck he's already too far away!

Why isn't anyone else around? Fuck, my nipples can cut glass. Oh! I see headlights; not mine, real ones. Please park near me, please park near me. Score!

A family gets out of the car. Kids! Kids are always willing to help you out. "Psst. Hey kid, come here." I motion for a little boy to come closer. He's in front of me, as I crouch behind a bush and avoid exposing my bits to him. "I need your help. I'm naked and---"

"Nathan. Nathan, where are you?" I hear the mother ask. She spots the little boy and she looks me in the eye.

"Hey miss, I was just asking your little ---"

"Nathan, come here." His mother grabs his hands, dragging him away from me.

"But mom, she needs our help." The boy whines.

"She can get her own help. Don't ever---" The rest of her conversation is fading away. Give it up lady, that boy will end up helping a girl get naked some day. Or a guy, if he's gay. Anyway, he'll help somebody get down to their bare essentials in the future.

Back to my situation at hand, I look at the materials I have to work with. Leaves, branches, dirt, a briefcase and papers. Not exactly something you see on the runways of Paris, but this is fucking Washington.

I can make this work somehow. Think positive, Bella. I gather some leaves from the bushes in front of me. None of these are big at all. I can't even make nipple pasties out of these! How the hell did Eve fashion anything out of this!

I throw the leaves on the ground. I'm briefly contemplating painting myself with dirt, but I don't want it to get in certain places.

The papers sitting next to me are looking like my best friend right now. I pick them up, placing them over the important parts I need covered up.

Unfortunately, it's impossible for me to walk around holding three pieces of paper over my boobs and crotch. I search the briefcase for tape or any kind of adhesive. I find a couple post-it notes; perfect nipple pasties. Pressing them just so, I stand up, holding a random piece of paper in front of my crotch.

Out into the wilderness I go.

---

**EPOV**

This job. This boring fucking job. This town is so small and boring, which equals my occupation entailing the same thing. Even the conference being held here is boring. Engineers equal nothing fun.

I walk across the parking lot to the hotel to start my shift, my uniform hanging in my garment bag. I scan around me for any disturbances because my job has taught me at least that one thing. Be on your toes, cause you never know.

Stepping inside the lobby, I greet the front desk with a nod. They look half asleep. Pep up, it's going to be a long night.

I type in my code to enter the 'personnel only' door.

I step into the employee locker room to change.

"Yo Eddie." Emmett greets me, buttoning up his work shirt. I really wish the guy wasn't a walking stereotype; maybe I could be nicer to him.

"Don't call me, Eddie."

"Why not? It's adorable, like you are." He reaches to pinch my cheek for the hundredth time since I've been working here..

"Leave me alone." I slap his hand away, as I step into my work pants.

"I'm only messing with you. You need to untwist your panties, dude. Loosen up. You're like a coil that needs to be…uncoiled."

What I really need is another job. Even though I didn't care for this, I still take it seriously. Once I set my mind to a task, I commit fully.

Using my Boy Scout skills to stay calm in the face of a bear? Done. Helping my grandma build her China cabinet even though there are ten million pieces to it? Done. Carrying a bed up the stairs for an ex-girlfriend even though she had cheated on me? Done. Have to say, I prefer the bear to the bed situation any day.

I enter the security monitor room. There are various cameras set up throughout the hotel, including most of the hallways, private entrances and in the parking lot.

"Hey." Jasper says, who's already sitting at the station with a tall coffee in hand. Or tea. Jasper and his new age chai, feng shui, karma fucker ways. "Try this, Edward. It's a tea they just discovered in the Himalayas."

"No, thanks. They grow tea there?"

"I don't know. I've never been there. It was recently discovered."

Right. Pretentious news report equals gullible Jasper. "Should I bother asking about anything?"

"Nothing yet. The night is young, Edward. And so are you."

We sit and wait. The waiting always gets to me. Our job involves a lot of it. It's not like any other job where there is something else we can do. We have to pay attention all the time.

We all take turns watching the monitors; Jasper is manning them at the moment. Emmett stands behind us, reading a magazine from the lobby.

I'm staring off into space. I never find anything to occupy the calm times. I haven't read a book in years, I don't play video games. I have a piano at home but it's not like I can bring it here.

"Hmm." I hear Jasper say. "Boys, I think we have something. Right there."

I swivel in my chair, looking at the screen Jasper is pointing to. "I don't see anything."

He scoffs at me. "Do you not see a figure right there?" I shake my head 'no'. "Alright." Jasper types in a short cut to zoom into the supposed figure.

"There." He points to what looks like a bobbing head near the trunk of a car or maybe it's my imagination.

Emmett peers over our shoulders. "What the fuck are they doing crouched behind a car?"

This is definitely suspicious activity. "Robbery? Car theft?" I throw out the options.

"They could also be opening their trunk." Jasper drinks up some of his tea.

The figure stands up and it's clear why they are crouching down.

"Naked chick!" Emmett exclaims.

Jasper lets out a long whistle.

Yes, a naked chick. I'm not as exuberant as the other two, but I do my own internal dance at the possibility of seeing free boobs and ass. My night is instantly better.

"Shit! Oh! We never get this. This is like a gold mine." Emmett is officially a kid in a candy store.

"What's that on her tits?" Jasper points to them. He zooms in more. "Are those pieces of paper?"

"Her tits are magic. They hold up paper." Emmett exclaims.

"No, they're post-its." I say through gritted teeth. I'm more than ready to go out and ask why this woman is butt naked in our lot. "I'm going out there."

"Wait, let's see what she does." Jasper isn't taking his eyes away from the monitor.

"What? Jasper, quit being a perv." I stand to go.

"Oh! There she goes!" Emmett pushes on my shoulders, forcing me to sit again.

The girl runs across the screen to hide behind another car in the lot and we finally see what's covering her crotch.

"Oh man, she's got nuts and bolts!" Emmett points to the screen.

"What?" She definitely does not look like a dude.

"Her crotch. Nuts and bolts." He's not making sense anymore. Emmett equals a senseless, 'me want naked woman now' caveman.

"I think she might've been at the conference earlier." Jasper looks closer at the screen.

"Why?" I ask.

"The company name on the paper was one of the people on the list for the event. Nuts and Bolts Inc." Jasper grabs the list of companies in attendance to this occasion earlier in the evening.

"Is that supposed to mean something? Was she on the list?" Maybe we could actually get her for trespassing if she wasn't attending this thing for real.

"Let me check." Jasper flips through the sign in sheet.

Tanya, the hotel's general manager, decides to check up on us.

"Hey boys, how's the night treating you so far?" She saunters up to the screens.

"We might have something. On monitor six." I point to our possible incriminating streaker and trespasser.

After a few seconds, Tanya speaks. "Her cooch has an expiration date."

"Shut the fuck up, really?" Emmett gawks even closer, seeking out the date.

Sure enough, it's written on the paper in front of her crotch. The girl on the screen turns to head toward a pick up truck, her behind on full display for us.

"She has a cute little ass though." Tanya informs us.

Last time I had heard, "Aren't you with Irina?"

"Yeah, but no harm in looking." Tanya didn't blink or waver.

And our dicks did a collective salute to lesbianism.

"Alright boys, let me know what happens." Tanya leaves us be with our naked chick.

"Got it. Her name is Bella Swansonator." Jasper snickers. "The writing is really sloppy and…" He leans in to sniff the sheet. "…smells like alcohol was spilled on it."

"So we got a drunken naked chick on our premises? More than likely?" This equals 'never fun'. But, I decide to be the one to handle this because if I sit here and watch these two drool over her more, I'll end up having to mop up the remains. And drool will not be the only liquid on the floor.

"Alright, I'll go handle it." I hop up from my chair and grab my flashlight.

I make my way to where this Bella girl is standing behind a truck. I hold up my flashlight, scanning for her figure.

"Hello? Miss?" The light bounces off some front windshields and trees surrounding the lot. "Are you okay?" I ask the air again.

"Hello?" She responds back.

"Miss, where are you?"

She raises and waves her hand from behind the red pick up truck. "I'm over here. Please don't come any closer."

I know she doesn't have any weapons, but to be safe. "Miss, I need you to show yourself. Both hands above your head."

She does so, standing up straight. She ducks back down to pick up the piece of paper that was covering her crotch.

I shine my light on her, she squints her eyes at the intensity. "What's your name?"

"Bella Swan." Her speech is slurred a little bit.

"Who are you here with?"

"I was at this…" She twirls her finger, trying to remember why she's here. "…conference thing."

"Were you invited to it?"

"You could say that more or less."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Well I came here with a friend, Jane, and she is director of something or other for this company, Nuts and Bolts. She goes off and gets drunk with some bartender and leaves me with a guy…I think his name begins with a D. Ugh! My head hurts." She holds her hand to her forehead. She looks like she's going to fall over.

I walk around to her side to catch her before she falls backward. And now my hands are unintentionally grazing her breasts. Very very nice, warm, inviting breasts…

"Okay, I'm good." She stands herself back up; the paper in front of her thighs is still in place. "Actually, I think I'm missing clothes. Have you seen them?"

I snicker. "I haven't seen them. I don't know what you were wearing."

"Me neither." She laughs too. "Do you have an aspirin though?"

The Boy Scout in me is prepared. I pull out a travel size bottle from a pouch on my belt and hand her one.

"Thank you." She places the pill on her tongue, but it falls onto the ground. She pouts, "Did I get it?"

"No." I hand her another pill.

She tries again. She closes her mouth and tilts her head back to swallow it. "How about now?" She sticks her tongue, the little white pill still resting on it.

I shake my head 'no'.

"Ah, fucking piece of ass monkey shit." She tilts her head back to swallow, stumbling toward the truck bed. She shows me her tongue.

I nod.

"Woo! Victory is mine." She fists her hand and pumps the air. There is a brief moment of silence as she stares at my body, my belt, and my pouch. "You wouldn't happen to have a shirt or bathrobe in there?"

"Sorry, I'm afraid my Boy Scout skills end there."

She clicks her tongue. "A Boy Scout, huh? That's adorable by the way." She plays with the end of my work tie.

"Alright, alright." I step back, needing to keep this professional. "Let me take you back inside so we can get you back in your hotel room."

"And what are you going to do with me after that?" She bites her bottom lip, giving me the most flirtatious look I've ever gotten.

"I'm going to get back to work and you are going to sleep off your drunkenness." I will my personal fantasies to stay in my brain until my shower. Yep, there go my fantasies... down my shower drain....never to be fulfilled.

She pouts. "Fine." She turns on her heels, giving me a full view of her ass. Her ass, oh her ass.

I tap her shoulder; she turns around "Here." I unbutton my shirt to put on her.

"Oh, an exhibitionist are we? You like doing it outdoors?" She pulls on my belt, bringing me closer to her. I can smell the rum on her breath.

"No, no. This is for you." I remove my shirt, throwing it around her shoulders.

I help her put her arms through each sleeve. I button it up for her; it's long enough to cover everything up.

She drops the paper and starts reading it. "What a fucking loser!"

"What?"

"This guy's company name. Nuts and Bolts. How fucking dirty and dumb is that? Here, Nuts and Bolts, have some of this." She rubs the paper over the area of her crotch.

"Okay, time to go inside." I place my hand on her lower back, escorting her toward the front entrance.

"Yes, sir Mister…" She looks at the tag on my shirt. "…Edward? Wow. My knight in shining armor is an Edward. It's like a fairytale."

"A fairytale where a drunk naked girl gets rescued from nipple chilling winds in a hotel parking lot by a security guard?"

"Yes. And then the security guard wants to play a game of 'Find the Night Stick' and the girl is more than obliged to play."

"I think that's a porno, not a fairytale."

"Lets have some fun this beat is sick, I wanna take a ride on your big night stick." She dances away from me.

I stifle my laughter. "This way."

"To your big night stick?"

"No, to your hotel room."

We reach the front desk where Kate hands me Bella's new room key. I get in the elevator with her and press the fourth floor button.

"Edward?" She purrs.

"Hmm?"

"Let's have some fun…" She begins again, but to a slower beat this time. She unbuttons the first button on her shirt. The second. The third.

I place my hand on hers, preventing her from undoing more. I can feel the swells of her breasts.

I whisper to her. "Listen, you are drunk. I am working. Not a good combo. If were both drunk, yes."

"Mmm…" She grabs my hand, placing it over her right boob, squeezing my hand over it. She licks her lips.

I will my cock to stay down. Think about the bears. Think about that fucking bed your ex made you carry up those stairs. Think about Emmett chewing his food loudly. Think about Jasper's pretentious hippy ways.

Thankfully, the elevator doors open. Her room is all the way at the end of the hallway.

"Ugh." She drags her feet, walking at a slow pace in front of me.

I walk around her, reaching the door first.

"Ehhhhd-wurd?" She tiredly whines.

"You're here, Bella." I wait for her to come closer.

She finally gets here. I slide the card in its slot, turning the handle and waiting for her to step through.

She eyes me. "Edward?" She fiddles with the tail of her shirt.

She's going to ask me to have sex with her again. It's obvious at this point. "Bella…" I don't think my dick can take anymore.

Bella stands on her tippy toes, her lips inches from mine. She eyes them for a few seconds. Do I risk completing the action? I try to remember if there is a camera in this hallway. My eyes are on her lips, they probably taste like liquor and sex.

She runs her finger along the top of my nose. Her mouth descends to my neck, kissing it instead of my mouth.

"Thank you." Her breath hits my skin. She settles back on her heels, giving me a Boy Scout salute with her index and middle finger near her brow.

She closes the door and I turn to head back to the lobby. I have to say I did rather well, considering the raging hard on I currently possess. On a scale of one to ten, ten being the best at dodging free sex, I'd say I'm an eight.

"Edward?" I hear Bella call for me as I'm halfway to the elevator. "Here. You forgot something." She dangles my work shirt from her finger.

I hustle to get it from her. "Thanks."

"Check the front pocket." She winks at me before closing her door.

_Maybe the night guard prince would like my number? 206-555-9782. xoxo, Princess Bella._

I put my shirt back on, leaving the number in its pocket.

My dick equals a good Boy Scout.


End file.
